The Isolated Christian

Prov 18:1

“Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire;

   he breaks out against all sound judgment”

I have lived most of my life as a lone-wolf Christian. I attended church, went to small group, met up with an accountability partner. I even played the guitar sometimes for the campus ministry. I went on mission trips all over the world. I read the Bible with others and prayed with them. But I never allowed any of them to ever know me. Nor did I think that I needed them to. I figured I was smart enough to think things through on my own. That I could handle whatever came my way. Besides, I didn't want people to know who I was. I didn't want them to know that I was a sinner. And I didn't trust anyone to know me. I thought they just wouldn't get it, or they would expose me, or they would laugh at me, or they would try to change me. I though that they wouldn't love me. So, I put up a smoke screen and took a mask - giving just enough to make it look like I was taking part.

And I fell flat on my face over and over again.

I became like a man living alone in a cabin in the woods. I sought to be self-reliant. To follow my heart and seek my own wisdom. But, as Jeremiah 17:9 tells us, above all things, the heart is deceitful. When temptation appeared, I had no counsel to avoid it. When I fell into sin, there was no one to help me climb out. When the tempests and illnesses of life came, there was no one to turn to.

I closed myself off to the world. I would dodge and avoid so that no one would know that I wasn't able to get by on my own - that I too was a sinner. But, the more I turned inward, the further I fell.

Even in relationships, I would not allow my heart to be seen. I had friends, yet, none could tell you that behind the veil I was living with a broken heart.

It has taken me a long time to understand that living in isolation is above all things selfish. It is saying that I don't want anyone and I don't need anyone. It is rebuffing those who care deeply for me and desire to help me grow. It is ultimately telling them that they are not good enough to know me - that they don't deserve to know me.

It is also pride. It is saying that this is the image of the man I want to be. I want everyone to think that I am this way, that I don't struggle with those things.

Both are sin.

Though I lied to myself and tried to say that I was just protecting my heart, I defrauded my family, my friends, the women I have dated, and myself.

Proverbs 28:13

He who conceals his sins does not prosper,

but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

It was through my congregation and the kind patience of dear friends, strong Christian brothers and enduring Christian sisters, over these last years that I have finally seen significant change in my life. Though I can see God working incrementally for many years, it was His plan for this deeper work to come now.

It was a close brother digging deeply into my life. When it got too personal or we started talking about sins of the heart, I would disengage. He would call me out and I hated it. Several times I tried to walk away from him and the conversation. He would get up and bring me back.

It was a sister telling me over and over of the qualities of my character and the gifts God has given me. I would shrug and and say thanks. She would tell me again. And again. And again. And again... How gracious and patient.

Slowly, I am gaining ears to hear. And learning what it means to open my heart and give it in return.

Why do I write these things?

Because we all seek isolation. Whether it be a cabin deep in the woods, or through drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, cars, reading, writing, Facebook, video games, Twitter, Instagram, parties, church, fashion, etc., we are trying to hide our hearts.

And I want you to know that you don't have to continue to experience this heartbreak, as I have.

What do we do about it?

Proverbs 18:24

A man of many companions may come to ruin,

but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

First, we must recognize that everything and everyone, except Jesus Christ, will fail us. We must turn to Christ and put our hope in Him. He must be our primary pursuit. This means reading and meditating on Scripture, prayer, and obedience to His commands.

Second, we need to recognize the source of our desire to hide from fellow believers. Primarily, it is because we are sinners. We have set ourselves up as the king and sovereign authority in our lives. This kingship belongs to God and to God alone who has paid the ransom for our rebellion through the crucifixion of His Son, Jesus Christ. He showed that this was sufficient to pay for our sins by raising Jesus from the dead on the third day. If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9. Trust Him. Submit to Him as the King.

Secondarily, we often have a trigger in our lives that causes us to distrust. Personally, it was being bullied as a kid. I began to question my worth and my abilities because other kids would harass and humiliate me for being intelligent. This led me to doubt who God had made me to be and ultimately led me to disallow others from seeing first my abilities, and second, my heart.

For you, it may be childhood abuse, or lack of a father. It may be some deep wound from a girlfriend. It may be a betrayal by a close friend or the loss of a loved one. It may be as simple as the difficulties of the daily grind and watching people clamber over each other on the corporate latter. Whatever the source, it is helpful to recognize it so that you can begin to deal with the heart of the issue.

Third, we need to follow His command to be in community, to be part of a local church, and seek loving relationships with our brothers and sisters.

So what does this look like - to live in true relationship with other believers?

"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25

As Christians, we are called to live in a community so that we might have the exhortations of fellow believers to help us toward holiness. We are called to watch out for our brothers and sisters and to allow them to do the same for us. This helps root out sin and gives us support in facing the challenges of each day.

In the same way, we are called to spur each other on toward love and good deeds. Hebrews 10:24.

It means accepting that they do, in fact, love you. That their goal is to help your grow more like Christ. They are not there to hurt you, but to support you. And, that they are sinners, too, in need of your help.

It means, when asked how you are doing spiritually, saying, "I lied this week when I told you..." It means admitting that you need help. It means specifically giving some time to spend with others who are going to ask you hard questions. And, it means answering those hard questions truthfully.

It also means choosing to serve others. Giving of your time to provide for them. Lovingly seek out their hearts so that you may help them, just as they are seeking to help you. Choose to put them ahead of your own desires.

Ultimately, it means recognizing that God created you. That He created you to fellowship with Him - to bring Him glory and praise. And, in His great mercy, He made you to desire community. He did not leave us to walk this life alone. (Consider Genesis 2:18: "The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Even before he sinned, Adam was made for community, and God gave him marriage.)

Even though it has been slow over the years, and I have lost dearly, I am beginning to experience relationships the way the Lord designed for me to do so and am starting to see joy from it. Praise the Lord, who did not leave me to my own desires, but sought me while I was lost.

C.F. Brake is a young attorney working to change the culture for the sake of our young men and women. Follow the blog on Twitter (@cf_brake) or e-mail C.F. Brake at cfbrakeblog@gmail.com.